A difficult trial
Dealing with a crash course on recovery
For the last week I’ve been thrust into a very involuntary rest period. Last weekend I started feeling gradually then increasingly sick. Thankfully I’m on the mend but it has been a very difficult hurdle to overcome. I’m quite frustrated at how this stuffiness is stubbornly holding on. I haven’t been sick like this for over two years, so it seems that it was just time. I had already been frustrated with not being able to push harder and harder, so it’s only fitting that I have to be forced into taking an actual rest.
I apologize for the lack of weight loss updates this month. Even prior to getting sick I was finding it very difficult to balance things. I fully intended on doing another video update by the end of the month, sadly I couldn’t make that happen. Things have been weird lately. Finally getting below 400lbs was a massive milestone for so many reasons, and thankfully I’m continuing to push further below it. On the other hand, I’ve been struggling with difficult feelings about where I am.
The hard part is that this entire process has worn me down quite a bit. Other people can see the progress made but I’m very stuck fixating on what hasn’t yet been accomplished. Instead of actually living in the moment I’m entirely consumed by over-thinking the refinements I want to make. I need to spend more time doing rather than worrying about doing. For the most part, exercise has been my best escape from that dilemma. A non-trivial challenge at this point is self-image. I’m roughly back to the size I spent most of my adult life, and I don’t have a clear idea of how I’ll look as I approach my target. The anticipation is weird because in the best case scenario it’s still some time away. I have such a hard time taking care of present Gabriel that I’m not at all sure what future Gabriel needs from me.
Back in the Winter, I bought a “goal outfit” for the summer. It’s a 3XL Hawaiian shirt with matching swim shorts. I was pleasantly surprised that I was able to put it on at the start of June. It has been genuinely nice to wear it while out, and I’ve gotten some nice compliments while wearing it. I’m finally at the point where I have reversed years of weight gain putting me back to a pre-2020 weight. I should be more grateful than I am for the situation I’m in. Part of my disillusionment is that while I’ve gotten back my pre-covid body, life circumstances are significantly different now. While I’m more able than I am when I started this journey, I’m still quite far away from being able to be as functional as I would like.
A perfect metaphor for how I’m feeling about things has been my recent experiences swimming. As I’ve lost weight my buoyancy has changed significantly. At the beginning I could effortlessly float with my shoulders above the water, now I’m just beginning to sink with my neck below water. This entire time, as I’ve been trying to learn to swim better, it just changes on me. Swimming below 400lbs is a very different experience than attempting to swim at 570lbs. I feel like I’m not actually making any progress because I’m always in an unfamiliar state with the movements. I know it’s something I have to push through, but it’s absolutely disorienting and hard to remind myself that progress is being made.
This midpoint is very bittersweet. I’m getting close to 200lbs down, but I’ll have to lose around another 200 more. I had the opportunity to yet again go through some of my old clothes and wear things that I haven’t fit into in years. In many ways, wearing these older items puts into perspective how much time I’ve lost to this size. I would have thought that fitting into these old clothes would make me feel “normal” again. Unfortunately, it’s just jarring that I’m significantly less able to produce now than I was then. So much of the pressure on myself that drove me to make unhealthy decisions is returning with a vengeance.
At the beginning, it was so much easier with not being able to do so many things than what I struggle with now. While I can do so many more things, it also creates new problems because I now have the capacity to do things I shouldn’t. Can’t is so much easier to deal with can’t than shouldn’t. For example, while I’m sick I shouldn’t do all the same exercises I used to, because that would just impact my ability to get well. But I want to. The pressure and drive that is helping me fix my situation is very difficult to keep in check. While it is relatively easy to stop myself from taking on things while sick like this, it is so very hard to not feel bad about it.
Despite all this, I’m fairly optimistic. I’m trying to take it easy and hydrate as much as I can. I’ve been a fair bit generous with calories over the last few days and despite that weight isn’t going up so I’ll call that a victory. I ended up losing more weight in June (19.6lbs) than in May (14.3lbs) so things seem to be progressing well. I’m almost on track for my ambitious yearly goal, so I’ll have to see what is in store for July. Thanks for reading!
>I don’t have a clear idea of how I’ll look as I approach my target.
Very much like ageing mate ;) Be kind to yourself. And from what I know, trash pandas have big egos. Channel your innner spirit animal!
Ah, Gabriel, your particular struggle is with weight. Other people have the exact same experience in regard to some other challenge. We live in times when our ego is King so we tend to self fixate and lose track of the world around. Balance this. You do wonderful work for others, it is normal that some of the time you would also tend to your own self.
Not to be preachy, but age is also a factor - as we grow up we become more mindful and notice different things.
Or should I say the progress of time and the natural changes in mind and in body. Your weight is your tool for growth. You measure your success or failure by it, you judge yourself, set goals, work on your deep personal issues through your struggle with weight loss.
It is fascinating to notice how you worry about your future self, how you grieve for the lost parts of you as weight falls off. After all, we gain weight as a result of wanting to take in too much and hold on to it. Similarly to those who hoard money or stuff. But anyone would tell you that if you want balance what comes in has to circulate and go back out. So the loss of weight will open up room for other things to come in.
Watch out for the "shoulds" in life - you are unique and not all shoulds apply to you :-)
Ah, it is so easy to give advice to others and so annoying when someone tells you what to do or tells you what you already know!
All of us that read about your journey are rooting for you and sending lots of love and encouragement. You can't see us, but we are all out there. Cheers, Gabriel!
(PS. - colds are a normal recovery process in the body after a period of physical or usually mental strain. You have had great achievements, which you shared with us, and maybe other issues that bothered you went away and... you got a cold. Recovery requires us to rest and let the body do its thing. It is all good.)