Gabe, this is amazing. As someone who lives with severe depression and PTSD your essay here also applies - to both the person living with the situation and the people who love them. The small steps into the sunshine were critical.
People cannot immediately see my trauma, but when the spergouts come boy oh boy there is no denying what is going on! For me, laughter, irony, satire, and sharing sarcastic memes was really important. We had a lot of people kill themselves here during the mandates and I think they did not have meme-friends, so your inclusion of inspiring memes/images is important.
I’m starting to see one of my sons overeating and sneaking in junk food in his room. At 14, he now weighs more than I do. He is still active enough for his age, but I can see how he can slip into even worse habits going forward. I do believe prevention is easier so I will attempt to adopt some of your suggestions now and see how it goes. Grateful for your share. 🙏
There are many excellent outdoor activities that can be worth encouraging him to try out. I know I liked canoeing in high school and it was my "gateway drug" to getting into more serious strength training for a short bit. The problem with raising activity is that it's very hard to guarantee that it will stay high long term. Based off my experiences, I would probably consider trying to get them to learn about weight loss & muscle gain not as a "you need to fix this" but more as a way to gain practical knowledge about nutrition and biology. (Crazy nutty idea that I cant truly recommend: adopt them a fat cat/dog and guide them in helping take care of the animal.)
Agreed! Great suggestion, Gabe! I think that might be great for my other son who loves animals. He is a healthy weight but like all teenagers, leans into junk food. We already have two cats and a dog. Although very beloved by the whole family, Jack isn’t that into animals.
I took the whole brood ice skating yesterday. We had a blast but Jack was the first one to call it quits after 30 mins. I’m going to try ping pong. Not as much running but definitely high energy. He also loves the pool but he still isn’t allowed to go by himself (I think he has to be 15) - I’m going to talk to the park district and see if they’ll let him in earlier since he worked as a Rec leader there last summer. Ok. You got me motivated! Sorry to internal monologue in your comment section. Thanks, Gabe!
I'm so glad I became a fan of yours early, Gabe, and beat the rush ;-)
Among so many other insights, I found this especially profound: 'taking care of myself isn’t selfish for so long as I live for others.'
But what I read very slowly and savored was your section on 'Connect.' Your sensitivity to the mother-daughter relationship amazes me, being obviously neither. You tap into the psychology of buried shame for the daughter and the helplessness of the mother. And what you say is deeply understanding and perfect.
I don't know if minnesota mom will read your post, but I'll add my perspective. As you know, I spent my time as a mother actively worrying about my oldest daughter's weight, partly because of an uncle who was severely obese. We did support programs and fitness regimes and whole family no-carb diets. We were always loving and never shaming. At least I thought so.
Veronica mentioned in a conversation with her husband that she'd grown up always being told her body wasn't good enough. And that broke my heart a little, because it was the underlying message. And I have to own that. How much of my feeling was whether her weight was a reflection on me as a mom? Was I supportive or controlling? I know that she's forgiven me but it still brings tears to my eyes that she felt that way.
And it's a mistake I won't repeat with my youngest, Cassandra, who sees herself as a fat activist. Veronica had to teach me to see her beauty, to my shame. But once I learned that lesson, it transferred to everyone else. I'm very clear that my role, as a mother, is only to see beauty. That's not a condescending lip service, it's a sincere appreciation of bodies, in all their variety. I recommend to the MN mother listening to Audrey Gordon, who I link in this episode: https://thirdparadigm.substack.com/p/aubrey-gordan-round-body-beauty.
And yes on buying clothes that fit. My daughters swear by Shein, if you can get past the labor practices and sourcing. NEVER buy 'aspirational' clothing, as the mom did in the movie Spanglish. Veronica still has secondhand trauma from that film.
I've often said how much I think you and Cassandra have in common, Gabe. She's witty and insightful and very committed. I think that if God had asked, "Who's willing to represent fat people," she would have raised her hand. And I can't think of anyone better for the job. But I also think that being healthy is something that isn't selfish--and for you and her, who live for others, that's an important realization. And I have no doubt my Boodysattva is coming to it ;-)
I'm hoping it's all still early! I've got a long way to go! 😅
The good news is that I can confirm Minnesota Mom has read it because I waited for her to reply to the reply (hedging my bets in case I didn't do a great job....) Her appreciation showed me that I at least have some business opining on these issues...
I was hoping you would comment given your situation, and I am incredibly pleased to see you characterize my efforts as "perfect" even in part.
"How much of my feeling was whether her weight was a reflection on me as a mom? Was I supportive or controlling? I know that she's forgiven me but it still brings tears to my eyes that she felt that way."
To the degree I can offer any consolation, I would just say that I know as a child and even now as an adult it can be very hard to interpret even the most delicate actions. So much of our minds are wrapped up in our own perception that it can always be difficult to recognize what is. That's why I emphasized a great deal on the projection because I think it's a real part of it that doesn't get enough attention. I've caught myself a great deal interacting with my fears rather than the person I happen to be talking to.
Oddly enough I do have some aspirational clothing at the moment. I wholeheartedly agree that it's a risky strategy with some difficult downsides. The form I have it in is I've kept a lot of my old clothes on the way up, so there's lots to try on again, and I also was gifted a T-shirt for the gym I'm at for being one of the first 50 people to sign up. It only went to a size I haven't hit yet.
It definitely takes a lot of courage to represent fat people. Hardly anyone wants to hear that systemic factors are a contributor and that we shouldn't just put all the blame on the individuals. It's interesting to note that what is effectively a large majority of the public (people's weight that is outside "normal" ranges, at least in NA) seems to struggle with being understood. If nothing else I take it as a strong indicator of how powerful media manipulation is, and how isolated people really are. I definitely wish all your daughters well in their endeavors and can appreciate what Cassandra is up against.
Thanks for your kind words, Gabe. As I said in my last episode, I'm giving up regret for Lent, and choosing to see myself as having done the best I could with mistakes, if they were, made out of love. But to even say I made mistakes would be to want different results, and that would be crazy. I want the exact daughters I have, with every decision I made that led to them.
If there is purpose in what 'soul' or disposition falls into what circumstance in life, I think it's because they're the most capable of bringing meaning out of it. I can't imagine anyone better disposed to be bringing kindness and understanding to this issue than you. And I've seen Cassandra in action--scattering compliments like confetti. There isn't any such thing as too much body positivity, and I hate that it's another wedge being used to ridicule and divide people.
And glad for your aspirational clothing, from your gym and the back of your closet. In the movie, the rich, thin mom gives her daughter a present. When she unwraps it, it's clothes from her favorite store in a size too small. The look on the daughter's face is heartbreaking, and that scene scarred Veronica. The Mexican nanny takes the clothes and alters them, so they fit. It's an interesting premise to the movie, if you can stomach Adam Sandler, which is a big IF.
Hey Gabriel, great heartfelt and pure advice. Holy Spirit shit. Are you considering writing a book? You should. Very sensitive and helpful insights. Not overweight always athletic and lean but I still gained a lot from reading the words of a learner on the path using the tools of honesty and humility.
As a musician who held himself back for most of his life in many ways I resonated with the idea of larger project not single wins. I've realised that if you think the next song has to be your best you freeze up, it's the body of work. If you know you want to publish 50 songs in 3 years then the next song doesn't have to be the best. Like weight loss goals. If the week was average but you are still in the game there is more weight to lose.
God bless you, Gabriel! Thank you for sharing!
Gabe, this is amazing. As someone who lives with severe depression and PTSD your essay here also applies - to both the person living with the situation and the people who love them. The small steps into the sunshine were critical.
People cannot immediately see my trauma, but when the spergouts come boy oh boy there is no denying what is going on! For me, laughter, irony, satire, and sharing sarcastic memes was really important. We had a lot of people kill themselves here during the mandates and I think they did not have meme-friends, so your inclusion of inspiring memes/images is important.
Thanks again mate you are absolutely top-notch.
I’m starting to see one of my sons overeating and sneaking in junk food in his room. At 14, he now weighs more than I do. He is still active enough for his age, but I can see how he can slip into even worse habits going forward. I do believe prevention is easier so I will attempt to adopt some of your suggestions now and see how it goes. Grateful for your share. 🙏
There are many excellent outdoor activities that can be worth encouraging him to try out. I know I liked canoeing in high school and it was my "gateway drug" to getting into more serious strength training for a short bit. The problem with raising activity is that it's very hard to guarantee that it will stay high long term. Based off my experiences, I would probably consider trying to get them to learn about weight loss & muscle gain not as a "you need to fix this" but more as a way to gain practical knowledge about nutrition and biology. (Crazy nutty idea that I cant truly recommend: adopt them a fat cat/dog and guide them in helping take care of the animal.)
Geez Gabe you are really knocking it out of the park. That suggestion about the pet is absolutely amazing.
Agreed! Great suggestion, Gabe! I think that might be great for my other son who loves animals. He is a healthy weight but like all teenagers, leans into junk food. We already have two cats and a dog. Although very beloved by the whole family, Jack isn’t that into animals.
I took the whole brood ice skating yesterday. We had a blast but Jack was the first one to call it quits after 30 mins. I’m going to try ping pong. Not as much running but definitely high energy. He also loves the pool but he still isn’t allowed to go by himself (I think he has to be 15) - I’m going to talk to the park district and see if they’ll let him in earlier since he worked as a Rec leader there last summer. Ok. You got me motivated! Sorry to internal monologue in your comment section. Thanks, Gabe!
I'm so glad I became a fan of yours early, Gabe, and beat the rush ;-)
Among so many other insights, I found this especially profound: 'taking care of myself isn’t selfish for so long as I live for others.'
But what I read very slowly and savored was your section on 'Connect.' Your sensitivity to the mother-daughter relationship amazes me, being obviously neither. You tap into the psychology of buried shame for the daughter and the helplessness of the mother. And what you say is deeply understanding and perfect.
I don't know if minnesota mom will read your post, but I'll add my perspective. As you know, I spent my time as a mother actively worrying about my oldest daughter's weight, partly because of an uncle who was severely obese. We did support programs and fitness regimes and whole family no-carb diets. We were always loving and never shaming. At least I thought so.
Veronica mentioned in a conversation with her husband that she'd grown up always being told her body wasn't good enough. And that broke my heart a little, because it was the underlying message. And I have to own that. How much of my feeling was whether her weight was a reflection on me as a mom? Was I supportive or controlling? I know that she's forgiven me but it still brings tears to my eyes that she felt that way.
And it's a mistake I won't repeat with my youngest, Cassandra, who sees herself as a fat activist. Veronica had to teach me to see her beauty, to my shame. But once I learned that lesson, it transferred to everyone else. I'm very clear that my role, as a mother, is only to see beauty. That's not a condescending lip service, it's a sincere appreciation of bodies, in all their variety. I recommend to the MN mother listening to Audrey Gordon, who I link in this episode: https://thirdparadigm.substack.com/p/aubrey-gordan-round-body-beauty.
And yes on buying clothes that fit. My daughters swear by Shein, if you can get past the labor practices and sourcing. NEVER buy 'aspirational' clothing, as the mom did in the movie Spanglish. Veronica still has secondhand trauma from that film.
I've often said how much I think you and Cassandra have in common, Gabe. She's witty and insightful and very committed. I think that if God had asked, "Who's willing to represent fat people," she would have raised her hand. And I can't think of anyone better for the job. But I also think that being healthy is something that isn't selfish--and for you and her, who live for others, that's an important realization. And I have no doubt my Boodysattva is coming to it ;-)
I'm hoping it's all still early! I've got a long way to go! 😅
The good news is that I can confirm Minnesota Mom has read it because I waited for her to reply to the reply (hedging my bets in case I didn't do a great job....) Her appreciation showed me that I at least have some business opining on these issues...
I was hoping you would comment given your situation, and I am incredibly pleased to see you characterize my efforts as "perfect" even in part.
"How much of my feeling was whether her weight was a reflection on me as a mom? Was I supportive or controlling? I know that she's forgiven me but it still brings tears to my eyes that she felt that way."
To the degree I can offer any consolation, I would just say that I know as a child and even now as an adult it can be very hard to interpret even the most delicate actions. So much of our minds are wrapped up in our own perception that it can always be difficult to recognize what is. That's why I emphasized a great deal on the projection because I think it's a real part of it that doesn't get enough attention. I've caught myself a great deal interacting with my fears rather than the person I happen to be talking to.
Oddly enough I do have some aspirational clothing at the moment. I wholeheartedly agree that it's a risky strategy with some difficult downsides. The form I have it in is I've kept a lot of my old clothes on the way up, so there's lots to try on again, and I also was gifted a T-shirt for the gym I'm at for being one of the first 50 people to sign up. It only went to a size I haven't hit yet.
It definitely takes a lot of courage to represent fat people. Hardly anyone wants to hear that systemic factors are a contributor and that we shouldn't just put all the blame on the individuals. It's interesting to note that what is effectively a large majority of the public (people's weight that is outside "normal" ranges, at least in NA) seems to struggle with being understood. If nothing else I take it as a strong indicator of how powerful media manipulation is, and how isolated people really are. I definitely wish all your daughters well in their endeavors and can appreciate what Cassandra is up against.
Thanks for your kind words, Gabe. As I said in my last episode, I'm giving up regret for Lent, and choosing to see myself as having done the best I could with mistakes, if they were, made out of love. But to even say I made mistakes would be to want different results, and that would be crazy. I want the exact daughters I have, with every decision I made that led to them.
If there is purpose in what 'soul' or disposition falls into what circumstance in life, I think it's because they're the most capable of bringing meaning out of it. I can't imagine anyone better disposed to be bringing kindness and understanding to this issue than you. And I've seen Cassandra in action--scattering compliments like confetti. There isn't any such thing as too much body positivity, and I hate that it's another wedge being used to ridicule and divide people.
And glad for your aspirational clothing, from your gym and the back of your closet. In the movie, the rich, thin mom gives her daughter a present. When she unwraps it, it's clothes from her favorite store in a size too small. The look on the daughter's face is heartbreaking, and that scene scarred Veronica. The Mexican nanny takes the clothes and alters them, so they fit. It's an interesting premise to the movie, if you can stomach Adam Sandler, which is a big IF.
Hey Gabriel, great heartfelt and pure advice. Holy Spirit shit. Are you considering writing a book? You should. Very sensitive and helpful insights. Not overweight always athletic and lean but I still gained a lot from reading the words of a learner on the path using the tools of honesty and humility.
As a musician who held himself back for most of his life in many ways I resonated with the idea of larger project not single wins. I've realised that if you think the next song has to be your best you freeze up, it's the body of work. If you know you want to publish 50 songs in 3 years then the next song doesn't have to be the best. Like weight loss goals. If the week was average but you are still in the game there is more weight to lose.
Love the Corbett interview btw